I hope you had to get up out of bed and walk across your room to check this text message
i saw her thong sticking out from across the bar...that was my cue
just learned how to wash a penis. thank you nursing school for getting me the most action i've had in months.
This kind of poor decision making requires a real cup, not a mason jar.
So, how do I go about conveying: I'm sorry, yet very glad she is having my abortion. Via text msg?
either she was really happy we won flip cup, or she was too drunk to notice her boyfriend behind her.
I can't believe I am actually paying for a night in a hotel for my parents so I can throw a party the night before Christmas Eve. I also can't believe they think it's their Christmas present.
Alright. I will breast feed the first person to get here.
You missed lesbians having sex in the bathroom and the whole bar clapping for them. I had to do recon. It was amazing
Uhm; your sign says 'Welcome to KFC' and for some reason I can't seem to open the door.
I'm drinking your booze since you ate my pop-tarts. I'm telling you this because I still don't think it's a fair trade.
I met a guy last night who bought me a book on Amazon at the bar and then we had sex. Boners for books is a thing. Boom.
The guy in the room next to me just offered to hide the next dose of morphine he will get for his broken leg under his tongue and then swap it with me in exchange for a roll of the good toilet paper my parent brought for me last they visited. The psych ward is a lot more hardcore than I thought.
I absolutely love waking up to see my phone search history is "xj" "qj" "cj" "uj" and "kj"
I WANNA... wait, will you kinkshame me?
Nah.
I WANNA KNOW WHAT HE SMELLS LIKE
Randomize
