So my mom just called me into her room and showed me a condom wrapper she found in my room. "Oh that's from when I was like 16." I don't think that was very comforting.
Three questions. How does a tomato drive a car, how does an asparagus play a guitar, and how am I still so high that I chose to watch Veggie Tales?
Last night was epic. Hooked up with Emma Watson, found twenty bucks, and then passed out on my floor.
No you didn't. You drank unbelievable amounts of 151, passed out in someone else's bathroom, and we carried you back to your floor. Nice dreams though.
No flights in Europe due to the volcano erupting. God himself is telling me to spend 4.20 in Amsterdam.
He keeps whispering to me that he can't wait to tie my hands up with my wig?
It's 4PM and I'm finally awake.. I'm covered in dog fur and shame. I'd say it counts as a good night.
Seriously man, I'm worried that my dick's going to fall off someday if I keep this up...
Oh. My. God. You texted my mom "IM BACK BITCHES!"
I'm going to get old and fat one day... probably pretty soon and I'm not going to have any pictures to show to my cats of what I once looked like.
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
I can't control his boners. I can only encourage them.
You took nana to a bar?!
she suggested it
I knew how high you were when you put a french fry in your mouth and said 'fuck, this tastes like meat but feels blue.'
he ended the message XOXO, who the fuck does he think he is GossipGirl.
This pandemic, it’s making everyone horny. I’ve got dick stashed all over town
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