I feel like tequila is Gods way of lighting my fuse to do something awesome
Just got a script for 120 vicodin with 6 refills. I feel like michael jackson.
I could make treat bags
I have a feeling this won't be the last time I wake up wrapped in a shower curtain with the words "Blame Bono" spray painted on it
note to self: an IV pole is no substitute for a stripper pole. Written it on my ankle cast.
I took us ten minutes to realize the shower sex going upstairs was the reason the kitchen ceiling was flooding.
I think I just saw my 8th grade band teacher trying to pick up a hooker
The cops are here to take me to jail, so I guess I have to go with them. If I'm not out by 6 p.m., there is some left-over lasagna in the fridge for you.
he's just a really huge penis that sells weed
I don't remember much of half-time. I do remember climbing onto the roof of the fraternity and telling people I was going to stargaze in French.
The chick got into the cab with us and said we have 3 chances to guess what she just stuck up her ass. Hello to you to!
I had a girl last night tell me that she was happy to find a condom wrapper in my garbage because,and I quote, "well at least you're not raw dogging every slore that crosses your path"
No I did not just post a Craigslist ad for a used stripper pole because I can't afford my own. But now that you put the idea in my head I might have to.
Do you lock your house? Serious question, I need to know if I can add it to my list of emergency poop stops
i smell like vinegar and tequila i can feel the old people behind me judging
WHAT THE FUCK I JUST PULLED TWO TAMPONS OUT OF MY VAGINA. WHERE DID THE OTHER ONE COME FROM??
....surprise!
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