He made me pinky-promise that he gave me an orgasm.
god is playing jersey shore on new years on purpose. he wants me to play drinking games and die. i wish he knew how serious this is.
He invited me to see "alison wonderland" WHAT THE FUCK THATS NOT A FIRST NAME/LAST NAME TYPE DEAL
I KNOW. I'm like, ew who are these ppl. And then I remember I'm traveling to New York to accidentally hook it with two different dudes in one weekend.
The only way I could get him to agree to hook up with her is telling him I'd hook up with him next week.
He met a random girl on the bus home and decided to go to Spain with her. The blackout decisions are becoming internationally epic. He has work in the morning.
Im in Ft Meyers right now looking right at an alligator. I have had a couple of beers and people are telling me not to feed him but Im gonna do it anyway.
this is worse than the time i threw up a condom.
I am going to wait until he wakes up to set his couch on fire and then pee it out. That way he knows it was not an accident.
Someone just bought me a one liter long island and call me maybe is on. I'm going to die
I have way too big of a thanksgiving food baby to enjoy any of my old high school booty calls
Just found out my rents have been paying my siblings to cockblock me for the past 5 years
Not as covert as you thought huh?
And if you put this on Facebook, I will drop live cockroaches in your mouth while you sleep and then smother you with a pillow.
You always say the most romantic things
Hey the moment you step into my house, find me IMMEDIATELY so we can pinky promise on not roping anyone at the party into yet another threesome
Tomorrow night, I am putting you In my trunk. No excuses we have waited forever for this.
Randomize
