I just creeped all your pictures on Facebook -- it was like I watched you grow up right before my eyes.
My coke dealer called me at midnight just to ask how to spell a word. Not sure how I should feel about that.
Best. Handjob. Ever.
I'm guessing Kelly is over?
Nope. Home alone.
do you think you could subtly ask him about the dimensions of his penis?
Well, he sent me "techno kitty adventure" about 10 minutes ago. So, he could be anywhere.
So my girlfriend used a threesome to tell me she wanted to leave me for a girl... Not entirely sure how I should feel about that.
You convinced us both to take shots of jack Daniels through our eyes.
Postcard from jail please. Reserving a spot on my fridge.
Well, I just did coke with a drag queen in a bathroom so that's the direction this night is taking
I would love a rich wife. Then I would be like a gym teacher or some shit. Bigfoot hunter maybe.
Ran into his sister at the gym and hit it in the parking lot. I dont even feel like a bad friend she got a boob job and lost 20 lbs its not even the same sister
All i remember his him yelling yahtzee while pouring beer down her shirt .
How old am I that I had to sneak a boy out of my room this morning...
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
It's a sad night when one of your friend texts you that she's going on a date with someone you know and then invites you to maybe have a drink after
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