I must have had a great time last night.. I woke up with coconut oil all over my glasses
You bet me 100 dollars that the Raiders would win the super bowl this year. I have it on tape.
I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
Well on a lighter note, guess who just threw up in the elevator
Lauren she was gnawing on a dresser. Gnawing. On. A. Dresser.
You need an intervention. You fell into traffic walking home.
Not really. Birthday weekend. Totally jusifiable. Besides I didn't get hit. No harm no foul.
when you greet her, try not to lead with "this night will end with you on top of me". first impressions, bro.
And then he posed under the bed and said, "you should draw me like one of your french girls." Why do they keep giving this kid drugs?
Teenager with grandparents staying in their room: is to blue balls, as parent waiting for teen to come home safe: is to sleep. You will live- love mom
Oh yes there is. Now I'm the sad one. Please organize my life. And I will demoralize yours.
Just got our of the shower. I'm standing naked in front of my open windows cause fuck my neighbors that's why
I know I say this every year but 2015 will be the year I finally have sex with David's sister
Well I mean he still had sex with me after I told him that I play fetch with the kids I take care of, so I'm not really looking too far ahead with him...
Why the fuck is there a goat in the kitchen
So I justmade it back home and was greeted to a squirrel in my dorm... Last time I let my friends rent it out for a party.
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