Not a fireman, but good enough for last night.
Waitress cut us off at Chili's bar. New low
dude, i was at the student union last night trying to study but some retarded sorority spent an hour voting on the color of the seasons shirts like it was a UN meeting- someone motioned purple, someone objected, and half an hour later after 2 recounts they decided on purple
The djing cat is back again. I think he just makes appearances when im shit drunk just to fuck with my mind.
Of course he did. He is like the oprah winfrey for vaginas. Always giving that shit away.
she left with her roommate. or at least i think she did. but i also just thought i ate candy corn but i'm hal convinced it was candle wax.
I need you to do me a favor and hide my sword from me tonight. I'm planning on drinking my weight in vodka and I don't trust myself enough to not run through campus screaming "I AM SPARTA!" You'll be saving me a mugshot as well as saving some innocent girls from tears.
i have to vacuum my washing machine now, asshole
I don't know if dry shampoo will fix the decisions we made last night.
I was drunk and gave him my dad's phone number instead because somehow I thought that'd be funny. Man did that fucking backfire
I had to reschedule my trainer meeting so now I'm just here eating hot pockets
It's Jesse McGoddamn Cartney, the whole world sings that shit
I've never seen so much of my blood outside me. After the initial shock it was kind of cool.
Tinder recommend to a friend: making threesomes easier since 2016
We have massive handle of kettle and a rack of hi life
That's the happiest ive ever been at 7:48 am....
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