its like an ocean threw up right in your lap
you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
im so glad i don't have to work tomorrow. I'm spendin all night on the new call of duty.
Wow. That's the gayest thing you ever said.
Look man i'm staying in playing videogames and growing a beard. Its not like i'm trying to get a girlfriend.
I just wanted to say sorry for trying to jack off your dog last night.
She calls her new ritual "bed, bath, and beyond crunk". Hence why I found her passed out in my bath tub this morning.
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
Last time I saw him the sun was coming up and he was asleep in the student wellness parking lot. For some reason people were peeing on him.
I'm not really into her personality. Not that we've ever looked for personality in women.
That's only a quality to look for in a second marriage.
Please tell me you aren't concussed from dancing on the stripper pole
We were coming but I found wine on my way out the door.
Like I'm literally drinking whiskey and making a stocking for my cat right now. What. Goes. On.
If you don't believe in my fighting skills, I don't know if we can be together
soo... how was my night?
Bear grylls would be proud of my improvisation. Just used her vibrator to massage my back after hurting it at work.
Our livers get a hall pass for 2020, right?
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