She is making me post-sex grilled cheese at 2 am wearing only shorts and cowboy boots. I am so in love
I kept waking up & seeing my Goodfellas poster and thinking it was a window with people crammed against it staring at me.
I guess the lighting in my room made it look like they were moving. I remember telling myself that they were watching over me and protecting me from the cops
During sex she told me I could do anything I wanted to her. You remember that toy lightsaber we bought at Wal Mart?
She told me she couldnt give me head last night because she was running out of listerine
So I came home baked last night and made about 60% of my jeans into jorts...
He may or may not be blacked out. We put him to sleep in the community bathroom. He's wrapped in your blanket and he's already puked on it twice. Using your blanket was my idea. Maybe next time you'll ask before taking my vodka.
Get in the lobby, you have to sign my boxers
Are taco bell cups microwave safe? I can't make that judgement right now
She fell asleep with me.... We found her pantsless in the dogbed in the morning... Russian foreign exchange students
Do u like your dick pics shot in hotdog or hamburger orientation?
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
See, remember when you wanted to get an Ashley Madison account and I told you not to and you hated me? You. Are. Welcome.
National tequila day this year falls on a Monday. I've never been more disappointed in my life.
True life: I got so drunk that i took a shower with my clothes on at 4 am...
I've just realized that today's rations have consisted of turkey bacon and jack Daniels.
Randomize
