just tell him he has love handles, he'll die of insecurity
living well may be the best revenge, but it doesn't hurt that my exhusband is now dating a BEAST.
She told me she was a cowboys fan... I told her it was a waste of a perfect set of tits
Any questions about why there was a scuba tank chilling in the hot tub this morning?
I left you pizza on the porch. I didn't want to wake you, if you were passed out on the bathroom floor again. Sorry if it's cold.
New rule during sex: if it causes you to take your rings off, don't do it.
i didnt think "maybe you should take over" was a good thing to say when i couldnt get it up
The beer-amid has reached five feet. Caitlyn has a taser. GTG
At some point i could of swore that you were in my bedroom riding a manatee last night..... I like my new dealer
this relationship shit is hard. like i'd like to be able to watch veep without him trying to dry hump me. also im drunk and its 11 am so
I fell asleep while eating jimmy johns last night and then woke up at 5am and continued to eat it
my drug dealer is also my eyebrow lady. Two birds, one stone.
If you wake up with half a an eyebrow.... I'm pretty sure it was a good time.
Shit. My boss is having me meet and greet with the new doc upstairs. Do you think his doctor powers will detect that I'm still high?
It's not christmas until we're acting sober in front of grandma
Randomize
