i'm wearing my white shorts to coax my period out of hiding.
she screamed"i told you already! counter clockwise spiral and the clockwise spiral!!" right in the middle of sex
wow, i never thought dating a choreographer would be so harsh
Man, jail baloney is awful.
Her little brother walked in right as I was finishing and was like "uhhh hey there's a lunar eclipse outside"
It was a new level of awkwardness and terror. The high schoolers you fuck in the summer should never introduce themselves to your mom and godmother
She called all of my friends to find out where I was last night. 7 out of ten said their place.
I FEEL like I celebrated someone's 21st, but really I just celebrated Tuesday.
Then you shook your fists at the sky and explained to us that losing a sneeze is like losing an orgasm
Where are you? We're in between the guy dressed as a giant inflatable penis and the Justin Bieber lookalike lesbians
Does the penis have a genital wart?
you can't tell me not to come to work cause roads are bad then ask me an hour later to come in and expect me to be sober
and then you called me a third time and yelled that you were stealing a puppy named Willow
If I had feelings, you would have hurt them.
Once he bit me I drew the fucking line.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like running into your ex boyfriend at the liquor store at 3 in the afternoon.
It is NEVER not funny to me when I am sitting at a table and I've touched the dicks of every single person I'm sitting with.
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