no, no I am DEF NOT pregnant. typo. sorry, wanted to talk about us...
My booty call got married. Come over before I start tagging all the places my dick has been in her wedding photos.
You got the eggs out of the fridge and yelled "my chickens are beasts at making eggs" and then pegged them at the ceiling and at a couple who were making out
Looking at an apartment in Houston. It's right beside my favorite bar and the zoo. Best or worst decision?
You know its been a rough night when for a large portion of the evening you have accepted your death
I can dream in two languages, but it's still about ripping a bong.
if i actually get asked out by my dealer what could happen?
i don't know, but it probably involves bathtubs full of weed
You told me that they girl who was giving you a handjob under the table looked a little like your sister
To confirm, you are a grown ass man and you just asked me what her vag looked like.
At the very least, I mastered a nap while occasionally being dry humped.
Idk I'm sorry it's weird to ask for testimonials on your penis
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
He tried to get me to go back to his place on the condition that he has 6 cats. I was very tempted but I said no. Hoping to go see the cats tomorrow
I can see your house from here
Get off of his fucking roof
A girl I had a drunken hook up with is on interventon right now
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