The girl I was getting head from just called my dick an anteater...I hate my parents for not cutting my cock tip off.
I'm gonna have bed sores at the end of this hangover.
Packed at 6 am completely wasted. Damage assessment: 12 pairs of socks (no underwear), a flashlight, 3 shorts, shot glass, 8 sweaters, puff paint, one sneaker.
You know... If I put the same amount of effort into school as I put into giving women orgasms I would be a Rhodes scholar
whats a positive sounding word for "exploit"?
Rooting for you and your team in the Beer Olympics this afternoon...! Love you, Mom
He literally didn't stop until I lost count of how many times he made me orgasm. It took three hours.
Who would have guessed that on my moms birthday she'd have sex with the door open. :(
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
I think I just did my first walk of shame. He sent me home with a watermelon from his farm. Southern one night stands.
Rumor has it that you want to bring me soup in exchange for a blow job.
Just bought a gingerbread house kit and pregnancy tests. Happy holidays.
How high?! We watched paid programming for 45 minutes before we realized it wasn't just a long commercial. So pretty high. The Bionic fish finder looks promising, though.
Lets get a boat first.
Do you remember me asking for jerk off videos from Tinder guy?
Nah I don't remember that being part of the criteria
Just reached for my phone in my non existant pocket while it was in my hand.
Randomize
