i met him on craigslist. and no i'm not a hooker.
He came through my line today and bought designer impostor perfume, just for men gel, and astroglide. I almost DIED.
you know it is a bad morning when you forget to brush your teeth and eat old gas x in your car because its minty...
I have new birth control, three bottles of jack, and some coupons for micky d's. You wanna have that sleepover?
you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
Nah, this is the University of Tennessee. She'll get the clap, and get busted for having pot in her dorm by spring break. This time next year she'll be part-timing at a community college as a nursing major. So predictable it hurts.
In the middle of blowing him I looked at him and said "Your so old..." and then continued. I need to stop drinking.
but we were going camping. it only made sense to bring the 6 ft bong
All I remember is sitting on your kitchen floor and playing with a banana like it was a viking ship.
My purpose is to unleash drunk self on strangers, i believe as some terrifying icebreaker, otherwise i too would offer my driving services.
I didn't know where you were for like 15 minutes and then I went in the bathroom splashing water on the mirror and throwing hand towels around saying that you were "redecorating"
Hey. It's Michael. The guy that had his tongue in your mouth last night. Just wanted to check in with you.
Okay so I just had a really great idea
no.
Who brings a stripper home to ninja turtle bed sheets
Me and I got head
Like at first he was barely doing anything. So I was like harder and then holy shit he's like going all HULK SMASH on my vagina. I mean it felt fucking awesome. BUT STILL
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