she claims you yelled BOMBS AWAY when you came. tell me she's lying
but she didn't tell you i squeezed, built up pressure, and napalmed her face as i yelled it, did she
I'm going to go hang out on a giant wooden pirate ship for 5 days.
I'm lit.While shaving my legs I pretended the razor was a tractor cutting down corn. Noises included.
Protip: If you slur the word 'tipsy', you've progressed beyond tipsy.
No matter what you may say to me. You will still be the guy that managed to get his own cum in his hair.
was it morally wrong to have used his girlfriends makeup after i fucked him?
It was really weird walking into a CVS and not going straight to the pharmacy for plan B.
Just came out of my room at 8 AM to find 2 pounds of raw hamburger and a half eaten cake strewn across the hallway. And I'm not surprised at all.
Why am I feeling up grandma?!
I'm really glad a picture of you as an infant followed this text.
So I was bartending last night and this guy w/ his gf said that he recognized me, so I asked him, "do you watch a lot of gay porn?"
He's a psychology major, so instead of becoming a stripper, I'm just working out my daddy issues with him. And his cock. And spankings.
They're much more educational now btw. Don't judge.
I'm sorry I peed on myself in front of your boy toy. You should tell him I'm usually not that trashy. It was nice meeting him tho..
I mean, he's 40, foreign, artsy but with substance abuse problems and estranged children. How is he not my type?
all i want is a guy to go down on me while i eat peanutbutter from a jar
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
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