I told him next time he kisses her to remember where that mouth has been...
How'd that go?
Hes on his way with a baseball bat...
I mistook a propane tank for a keg.
I just found out how hard it is to put together a fake Christmas tree with a hangover.
is it too early in the day to continue our conversation about penis shapes?
Found her in the closet eating mayo out of the jar with a knife
Does anyone know who that girl who fell backwards and broke the shoe rack with her head was?
There are paw prints all over my ceiling.
booty call hours are between 1:30-3:00 AM thurs-sat with the exception of major drinking holidays and election days. please try again
they paper machayed me.
i told you ... never pass out drinking with preschool teachers.
It's that time of night again when I start to think I'm really funny, but no one else is as drunk as I am so they all start avoiding me.
THEIR PENISES MATCH. I JUST REALISED THAT. THEY HAVE IDENTICAL DICKS. OH GOD.
You fucked two dudes in the same night and still went home to your cats. How does that happen?
I just busted my piggy bank to afford McDonald's. This is my personal cry for help.
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
I was standing in my mom's kitchen in only my neon green thong, eating pizza over the garbage can, and sobbing while he was yelling at me.
Randomize
