I only have two rules. But i've fotgotten those rules and replaced them w 2 other rules
at some point when you're making out with the ex girlfriend of your ex fuck buddy who happens to be the ex boyfriend of the girl that you just got drunk with who was hitting on your current fuck buddy who is best friends with your ex boyfriend, it just hits you: oh my god i need to get out more and expand my social circle.
We just made mixed drinks in the bathroom of burger king. This is sad.
I wish there was a classy way to show off your boobs.
this dude just took some girl under your house for half an hour. you may have helped a 17 year old fuck on the beach for the first time. congrats.
Now he's lighting his socks on fire
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
Yeah, it kinda sucks. But it was fun while it lasted. And honestly, his penis is way too big for my life.
As if finding out the man you just had sex with is married isn't bad enough, it gets so much more awkward when his wife comes in to comfort you...
You know what id love more than anything right now? ..a back rub while eating biscuits and gravy
Lesson learned:nothing good comes from an at home wax kit.
You need to stop vomiting in the washing machine, bro. For real this time.
Bringing my mom Taco Bell and weed. I'm such a good daughter
Please come to class. I miss you and I have a horse mask
Just calling to thank you for not dying. I love you.
Randomize
