dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
she said her black crocs were her 'dress up crocs'
I can't even use my hands i'm so hungover
It's the first day of summer. It's not a race it's a marathon. Pace yourself
yeah they are definitely having sex in that car. joe just yelled through the window telling them to do the "titanic hand print thing"
Heed the warning of the ghost of Oktoberfest present: German beer is soooooooo much better than our watered down children's piss. also lost all my clothes and am wearing lederhosen the rest of the trip.
Is it appropriate to put "Mommy and Daddys shitfaced-ness that led to Aubrey" on a birth announcement?
Well you two just had a kid in the middle of college, I dont think anyone will notice.
Thanks bro
i just remember explaining why my socks were better than everyone elses.
You call it a hangover, I call it a baby squirrel burrowing its way out of my head.
I'm the fucking queen of sexting. I just made a blowjob sound so poetic I'm wishing I were a guy just so I could blow me. Learn from me.
I'm still pretty stoned. There are mini rice cakes in my robe pocket to snack on in the shower.
Did I really make a PSA to that garage party that you wanted to bang him?
You gave a whole fucking speech. It was inspiring.
What are the chances I get my period 2 weeks early just as welcome week starts. My uterus is conspiring with my dead catholic grandma
He was licking my ear while recommending that I shop at IKEA. I think he's my perfect guy.
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