She's perfect. Funny, gorgeous, 3 tats, been through a lot, bright. I'm in love.
70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
she wrote "SORRY" in her vomit and left
dude literally just took me 4 trips to take out the recycling from last night. we need to have parties like this more often
Well look at it this way, if he should happen to get into a terrible accident within the next 2 days, its okay.. i have his dental records on my ass cheek.
There is nothing more demoralizing than exchanging 150 dollar Christmas gifts with a girl your not sleeping with
I'd rather just be alone, than deal with this bullshit. I just want to be alone. Cats and vibrators never let you down.
Holy. Crap. I just found a hickey on my bikini line. He never got my pants off. WHO IS THIS MYSTICAL HOOKUP WIZARD?
I thought he was having it in Athens. Alright. Have fun. Please save my dignity and refrain from talking about my boobs and sexual "abilities". If I have any. I just feel like they are going to ask. Repeat after me. And repeat it 5 more times. This is going to be the phrase you're going to rely on tonight: "I can neither deny or confirm such actions."
Do you participate in Sunday morning booty calls?
Dammit! I didn't see this message, of course I do.
i think god would be more upset with me for turning down such a beautifully crafted cock than he would for me liking girls
You know it's really hard to draft fantasy football players in a crowded bar when I have a raging hard on
who knew being a fake dominatrix could be so fun?
i buy too many watermelons when I'm drunk
Because, after all, nothing quite says life in 2020 than doing laundry at 9:40 on a Friday morning to make sure you have masks and underwear.
Randomize
