I gotta feeling the economic climate has killed the housewife market
i want the original willy wonka imagination song to come on when i take a girl to my room
Dear God. I kissed a man tonight who was born in 1936.
It'll be like a meth lab. But with jello.
Nobody in the ambulance liked me...
He just walked up to me in the kitchen, pulled out his penis and stuck it in my sweatpants pocket.
It was probably cold. Sweatpants pockets are notoriously warm.
I agreed not to hook up with any randoms while she's on vacation, if that isn't a show of good faith then I don't know what is...
I mean.. listen to "Put It In My Mouth" and you'll get the gist of my voicemail for you.
turns out putting a tie on my unicorn onesie didn't make it acceptable "formal wear" and I found salsa in my cup holder
His dad gives me dirty looks whenever I come over though. I think it's because I eat his food and have sex with his son.
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
It's all part of my master plan: have him buy me all I can eat pizza and all I can drink beer AND THEN tell him there was no spark and we're better off as friends.
don't judge but I think I'm gonna go fuck a dad this weekend
I'M IN A SPINNING VORTEX OF SELF-HATRED AND HORNINESS
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
Randomize
