Dry humping a girl for an hour and then jizzing in your pants doesn't count as losing it.
i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
Took it a bit far last night. While leaving his house, I sent myself a text that said, 'you're still pretty"
im still trying to figure out who put the honey mustard in the blender then put the entire blender into the freezer
I flossed his teeth and then we had sex in the bathroom. It just seemed like a good idea.
Make the kitchen floor stop waving. Im trying to lay on it
Some people dream of being astronauts others dream of having genitalia that shines like Edward Cullen in the sun
i woke up at 4 pm face down on my hardwood living room floor. i would say its a new low but i think I found my new napping spot
You don't understand. My ass is the color of eggplant.
I'm glad you had fun with your genitals.
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
She dated an Australian guy or some dude with an accent. Normal guys don't stand a chance.
CHALLENGE ACCEPTED.
So nothing to worry about, but i'm probly going to jail soon, just thought i should let you know so you didn't worry. Bye!
My mom is dancing slutty on the bar I need more drinks to be ok with this
The lady in the stall next to me just screamed "why are you so hairy!?" and "why can't you get any!?" to her vagina. WTF
Randomize
