Did Neil Armstrong say the moon was too far away! NO! He built himself a fucking rocketship is what he did!
i'm touring the leper colony via mapquest street view so we dont have to go there
i may or may not be hanging out with a boxer who has a daughter tonight. and he just spelled "honestly" like "onistly". He has prob taken a few too many hits to the head but he's hot at least.
You left a skid on my bar stool!!!!
Oops! Sorry about getting stool on your stool!
I don't know what kind of drugs you were on last night but you kept trying to highlight my face because you said I was important
I'm pretty sure if an eight year old calls you a whore.. it's true. just saying.
we were all standing in the kitchen taking shots and we look over at you and your face is in the plate of spaghetti you were eating.
So I cleaned out my gym bag. Found half a bottle of malibu.
You know, I could pretend I'm shocked but what's the use?
If I don't end up being a booty call for Valentine's Day, you wanna go to the movies?
I knew you were blacked out when you started refusing beer.
Making a me burrito to ward off the cold...and the aloneness of my vagina
Beer, water, beer, water, beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer so much beer
Because sadly the idea of me having a girlfriend is crazy enough to be an April fools prank
Got my period and a UTI on the same day. Fuck you, Sunday.
I got a free corona t-shirt and all I had to do was drink a beer. This needs to be a more widely accepted form of currency.
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