My mom just told me that after i turned eight i stopped growing mentally and emotionally
woke up with a used condom shoved in my ear. i officially hate alcohol.
you came downstairs saying you were now 'dressed to impress'
what was i wearing?
nothing
having someone tell me to "prepare my vagina" is not really something I want to hear..
Remember the girl passed out in front of my fireplace?
we're stoned watching those roller coaster simulators w our hands up screaming on our couch
I made out with a guy because he was sitting on my coat...
If you wondered to yourself today, "did Sarah break her bathing suit strap and flash a pool full of children," the answer is yes.
Just talked to Laura, confirming that is my bra. Hope it goes well with the rest of your wall decorations.
Don't forget ur talking to the master juggler. Remember that time I slept with 3 guys and made them all pay for plan b? Paid the rent didn't I?
He drinks vodka like healthy people drink water and I wanted to have his adopted gay babies. That's all. I'm going to go find him and potentially propose.
It's 2016 and I'm somehow banging the milkman.
This guy knew what he was doing. Most guys can't find the spot even if it shot off a flare and played a kazoo.
I’ve developed a strange interest in ear wax removal vids on YouTube. Dear god, I need to get a job
Is it sad that the most attractive guy I've come across in a week that's not my professor is the man doing my pedicure?
Randomize
