Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
Just had to throw up on the floor of my car during traffic on the way to work. Car next to me saw both times. Found the downside to having a job right after graduation.
Well for starters the people who just made my burger at the grab and go just told me to "hang in there"
Yeah. Let's save our goodbyes for when I'm obnoxiously and embarrassingly drunk and more than likely naked.
This chic sharing the cab with me just started givin me head. I'll be an extra 5 minutes.
I'm stoned as hell watching the new Star Trek movie. My life is 110% better than it was an hour ago.
you fail at everything in life besides blacking out
I feel like Captain Morgan shit all over my hopes and dreams last night...
I'm taking a shower and i'm gonna bring my pocketknife with me
Trusting in Jesus is not a viable birth control plan.
I'm trying to fuck him and feed him. I don't understand why it isn't working.
Got kicked out of the club and woke up at a frat house. Good night? Couldn't tell you. I got a date out of it I'm glad someone thinks my drinking problem is cute.
It's next to that place that has cock fighting.
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
Dry spell is over and now I’m drowning in a river of dick. The dam broke and now half the dicks in DC are trying get in my skirt
It’s a glorious dick miracle!
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