Gfs sis is in town. Its awkwardly obv that we want to fuck each other.
I just spent the last hour reading customer reviews on amazon.com for the book "it hurts when I poop." Send help.
Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
It's all fun and games until the last slice of pizza gets bong water spilled on it.
i had to do the walk of shame dressed as a leprechaun. I have never been more proud of my irish roots.
well, it ended with me crying outside the strip club saying i don't want to be 21 anymoree. i'd say it was a great 21st birthday.
i will pay you if you can come get me. he just suggested that we would have a hockey themed wedding.
Why is there blood and lettuce everywhere?
Just realized how many men I've had sex with for the first time in St. Patty's Day past. Currently sending "HAPPY SEXIVERSARY" texts...
"I'm in the bathroom. Only place I can sit and relax without that girl trying to give me a lap dance."
stop sending me battleship coordinates and get back here so i can suck your dick
Someone explain why I'm twerking in my bathroom right now before a charity run
I think the pizza delivery guy is getting a handjob next door.
I suggest both. Please have sex with them and prepare notes for a final comparison.
just caught myself putting beer in the oven and pizza in the fridge. i should be a trainwreck by tonight.
Randomize
