My Hamptons summer hookup resume reads like a walk-in clinic waiting list.
i can't tell if you're serious or not, but 420 is gonna be pirate themed
That girl you went home with last night was dressed in a bright blue sweats at the bar. 205lb Smurffete FTL. Boy were you in epic form.
Just saw an old lady vomit in a trash can at the airport. I instinctively called her a pussy. College has ruined us.
I now have an ENTIRE drawer of unused disposable silverware from Boston Market... and you guys said I needed to "buy" kitchen stuff
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
She just landed. Popped over for a BJ and left. I'm a fan of layover layovers.
He changed his profile picture to him as a baby. Definitely a turn off. This will help in my "don't-be-a-slut-endeavors"
You have plans tonight?
Stress crying into a bottle of long island ice tea mix...other than that nope
Very excited! Vodka will be shot, dicks will be ridden, and memories made.
So I get to my parents and walk in the door so my mom knows I'm safe and alive and my grandpa looks at me and says "were you being someone's bitch". And I about died of laughter
Wow, he seems so solid
i have to vacuum my washing machine now, asshole
We just had sex in the shed while having a conversation about cheeseburgers...so that's how my day is going
We went from him going down on me to swapping baby pictures of our moms.
We were making eye contact while i was throwing up.
Randomize
