This old guy in denny's is sitting alone and he is looking at us and laughing for no reason
If I refrain from fucking my manager, I'm going to reward myself by fucking that guy from the photo department.
The fact that both my ribs are severely bruised from shoving flasks in my bra might be a validation of my mothers alcoholic accusation
Fuck. The basement bathroom I've been getting head in for 6 months just went 'Out of Service'.
I was really stoned haha. I had sex with her while I cooked scrambled eggs.
The key to alley sex is drunkeness.
I caught them hiding behind a car trying to have sex.
Just had to hide the fact that I'm not wearing underwear from my 7 year old niece.
I kept resisting the urge to yell "2 for 2!" so they could hear me on the other side of the wall.
He just texted me saying "you've got a face that suggests you give really good head". Is this a compliment? Do I say thanks?
Remember when I convinced you to watch me eat my sandwich just so you could reuse my plate and save us money on our water bill? I'm so ecofriendly when I'm high
My whole life is a joke
Yeah. I’m starting to see why you drink so much.
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
And you tried to get me to have sex with you in our Harry potter closet lol
I went with vodka instead of tequila tonight so I make better decisions. Fool proof plan.
Randomize
