i will never coherently bang her
i knew it was time to break up with him once he pulled out the Halo foreplay costumes
he said i ruined lesbian porn for him
Just put the gallon of milk in the microwave. Dad might know im high.
Apparently I whispered "Jesus was here" and bailed out of the moving taxi.
I should have considered my snorting capabilities before breaking my nose
there's a strong possibility i came on your eyeliner last night bathroom sex was unplanned and rather messy sorry
Woke up this morning with my period. Saw a commercial for the beginning of Shark Week. I see what you did there, Mother Nature. My pad's off to you.
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
These flip flops mean I'm casual, but I'm here to fuck.
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
My boss and I ended up at the same strip club. We both got lap dances while talking about work.
Should I bring my 4 pairs of bunny ears? Or is that too weird?
4 pairs might be a bit much
Ahhh the shame of taking out my recycling
I need a rain check on breakfast. A frat boy said it was his dream to sleep with a MILF, I made his dream come true and he made me cum
There is no way I’m wasting 21 year old morning wood
Randomize
