anyone who buys me chipotle gets an automatic hj
I should never bitch about not getting laid. He's begging me to come over and I'm saying no because I'm watching a Golden Girls marathon.
The more I look at him the more I wonder why anyone would ever want any of his features to be a part of their childs face.
I couldn't open my car door and for a second I thought they were taking me to an intervention circle.
Also, making a white Russian with butterscotch schnapps instead of vodka is probably the best decision I've made in my entire college career.
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
Just used the handle end of a spatula to get the baggie of coke wedged between my passenger seat. Innovation points?
I ordered more beers for everyone but had to finish them all. I promptly went outside and projectile vomited in the street. Three times.
I was struggling morally, but once I let go, I came pretty hard.
It's barely past noon, how am I already talking about double penetration
I'm not in bed, I'm driving and puking at the same time.... first for everything
Got drunk tryed walking 12miles to zacks house woke up at noon on baseball park
there's a giant awkward home-wrecking elephant in the room. and its name is meg.
I think I recall josh coming in to the room to tuck us in and give us a few condoms and I threw them back all furious and told him 'we don't use those.' Oh god
Boredom is so much more tolerable when you're stoned off your ass.
Randomize
