I CAN MOONWALK!
I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
i was like hansel and gretel. i puked a trail from mcdonalds to our place so i could find my way back in the morning
he offered to walk down from the bar this morning to my house and bring me a guinness...
how romantic. its the irish mans version of flowers
The arresting officer told me "you probably get this a lot, but you look like anthony kiedis".
Please come fuck me. I had the worst sex of my life the other night and I need to be reminded that sex is actually enjoyable
omg I just had an epiphany about why I grew into such a whore....
HAVE YOU EVER NOTICED WHAT THE SPICE GIRLS USED TO WEAR?!? those were my idols, I never stood a chance
I slept with someone only because he got my Simon Birch impression. It was a new low.
lonely sunday drunk me decided to tweeze my pubes. HORRIBLE IDEA
Are you sure he's still you're boyfriend when you're sober?
Well. I hope my dad likes whatever sweater stoned me picks out.
Desperate times call for desperate measures. But he promised me no small talk so that was nice
My vagina doesn't have a refer a friend program. You don't get $25 for getting your friend to have sex with me.
He asked me if I want to play Uber Driver, is this some new sex game or is he drunk and asking for a ride home?
I turn into such a nice and loving person when I take Vicodin
Randomize
