My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
best part he said "i like your tattoo" as he walked into the room, stood right there looking at me, naked on top of his friend
you were so drunk when the pizza guy got there you told him that you didn't have any money and would trade him the pizza for 3 Porno movies and he totally did it. I may never have to pay for pizza again
there should be laws that require people like to me to be on birth control.
It was worth having to clean the cum stains out of the carpet.
Fuck. The basement bathroom I've been getting head in for 6 months just went 'Out of Service'.
She took the bride and groom figures and the top layer of their cake and tried to walk out of the reception with it in her purse.
According to this USDA thing I just read, I should either get upper respiratory issues or begin to bleed from my nose and mouth.
We dropped so many bottles they would only give us plastic cups. We actually drank ourselves back to preschool.
He's pretty cool once you ignore the fact that he's trying to get into your pants
the hole that the tears left- fill it with pizza
this makes me concerned. not enough to actually do anything about it, but yeah.
My brother is so high right now he's eating frozen peas and called them "fucking delightful"
It was a "have 911 on speed dial" kinda night
God gave you your own nipples for a reason.
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