I just found that girl ____ on facebook, her activities include "church nursery" yikes
Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
Someone just asked me to go to the dining hall for dinner and he will use one of his swipes to pay for my meal. i think this is a college version of a date
You were like pukeahontas last night, you tried to tell us you were okay, then you puked in the garden.
6 margaritas later and free shots of tequila, i woke up with a fat lip and they said i blew my nose in a slice of bread
We listened to Rod Stewart Pandora and slow danced in the shower.
Dude I was taking a shower and I kept looking down at the drain expecting Mario to come up, yell "It's a me, Mario!", tickle my balls, and go back down the drain.
Just drove past the dude that came in your sock
I don't know if this whole sobriety thing is going to work out... It's only been 3 days and I want to chug vodka
How did you get him out of the shower last time?
Order Taco Bell and leave a trail of burritos leading to his bed.
I was out of weed and my vibrator broke, so I'm now at Red Lobster.
I'm running late...how do you explain period shits to your boss?
Fun FACT Saturday: Semen is great for my acid reflux
Hypothetically speaking, if a girl asks you to fuck her wearing only your hockey helmet, is that socially acceptable?
Do you think it's my receding hair line that makes all the milfs attracted to me??
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