i may or may not have been spotted by tourists while getting head in the vicinity of the jefferson memorial
so we told my parents we were going trick or treating. got high as shit at some playground. and then bought our own candy so we looked legit when we got home.
Im def. not watching the CMAs. If Kanyes not gonna be there whats the point?
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
He knows my period schedule but not my work schedule.
You demanded I give you a glass of water, so I set it down in front of you and you knock it over and roll in it..,
I wanted to be a dolphin.
Lets just say I chased with a burrito.
Your friend, the one I told I would brush his teeth with my tongue, what's his name again?
We can't be fuck buddies. You stare into my eyes while we fuck.
I looked the guy across the room straight in the eyes and said, "If you were any closer to me, we'd be making out right now."
He's like a father figure to me, except we have casual drunk sex every now and then
He had a vasectomy. I think I'm in love.
I gave her the last ten dollars to my name and bitch comes back with a six pack of bud light and a pack of sour patch kids
We should write a country song: “Blacked Out on a Sunday”
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