took him home. told him i would rock his world. passed out. a for effort f for follow thru
I know it's getting bad when I wash the bong more often then the dishes
you were watching a documentary about sharks and wouldn't stop stroking my legs and whispering "what if they could walk?"
Drag queen told me that I have the cheek bones to do drag. That's supposed to boost my moral.
I feel like if Miami and New Jersey fucked each other and produced a baby that would summarize the bar I'm in.
We are stranded. Come find us. Bring an egg
I can't even remember the last time I took my own pants off
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
i was talking to them for like 5 mins and they were like HEY LETS GET A PICTURE and tequila said it was good idea
Whatever. I am not explaining the physics of my dick slapping.
The cop said he like my hair today. Please explain all other interactions with law enforcement, k thanks
Saw two pregnant women at court today and I SWEAR one of them said "we had a threesome with this random guy and he got both of us pregnant."
That's a gentle way of saying I passed out like an 18-year-old on his first trip to Tijuana
my dad just liked my status about my bowl being stolen even he feels my pain
I think i got beer on your cat.
Randomize
