im giving 12 year olds life advice. this is probably illegal somewhere.
She said to delete the bj video, but I accidentally hit the 'send to her bf' button. My bad
Yeah we can't find him. He left a note saying he left and isn't that drunk with what appears to be an attempt at the quadratic formula for proof. He also wrote down his number and left his phone by the note
3 things I learned last night: 1.) I'm not as light as I used to be. 2.) Sex on the roof of a convertible is a really bad idea. 3.) The hospital now has super glue pens for sealing minor cuts instead of stitches!
I feel like I just rode a horse, did a million jumping jacks, ran a marathon and need a carton on cigarettes. best sex hands down... EVER
Off topic, but is it sad that Matthew and I are calculating how much sex we need to have in order to work off a taco bell burrito?
I feel like I have two modes: Super fuckin high, or super giddy from caffeine. I have learned to accept this.
Yea i think drunk-me kept all my bar receipts, just to throw it in sober-me's face.
"But puppies!" Is not an acceptable excuse for trying to drunkenly steal someone's dog, you promiscuous midget!!
Really stoned me is having a very serious, intent conversation with my mom about egg rolls and koolaid flavors.
A guy with a mustache poured a beer down your throat while you had a crippled boy named Sunshine riding your back
Best part of leaving the university? Interns are as hot as my former students, not legally off limits, and they will do anything for a full time job.
He suffocated between her tits, but she didn't notice because he still came.
That's the 3rd guy I've made pass out from a bj. I may have super powers.
Just reached for my phone in my non existant pocket while it was in my hand.
Randomize
