my penis was classy and tasteful, i don't know what her problem was.
All time low... just gave a strip tease to the theme song from Law&Order SVU.
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
Last night was epic. Hooked up with Emma Watson, found twenty bucks, and then passed out on my floor.
No you didn't. You drank unbelievable amounts of 151, passed out in someone else's bathroom, and we carried you back to your floor. Nice dreams though.
Note to self not a good idea to try and make out with a girl when she's crying over her boyfriend
After all the hair products he's stolen from me, he better fucking be gay.
Having never done that before, When should one expect the horrible shame to end? Days, months, ever?
A week or so, depending on size. In your case, maybe give it a month.
He was kissing me at red light while his penis was in an aluminum beer bottle peeing..
You know you threw a brownie at my head last night. And said you did it to defend the turtles honer....
Our relationship is perfect
90% threatening to punch him in the dick 10% actual dickpunching
I just wrote a self loathing message to self, wrapped my credit card in it, put it in an envelope, sealed it with another hate messame, and put it in my lock box. So. That's where I'm at.
I’m 95% positive I adopted a bunny last night.
You had cocktails, didn’t you?
You microwaved all of my silverware, I don't care if you spent all your money on tequila, you're paying for this.
I'd send you a picture as proof but I want to marry him some day and that would be a deal breaker.
Pillow talk was a high five, this morning she made dinosaur muffins for the house. I love chapel hill
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