How come it tastes like onions whenever I go down on her?
Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
You're the only chick there. That's not an orgy, that's called a gang bang...
sooo... you have no idea who nailed their tubesocks to my wall?
I used puppy pads next to the couch for her to throw up on....
googling pictures of Lindsey Lohan so that I know what to wear to court is definitely a low point in my life
Seriously, you can't give someone's wife an orgasm on the dance floor of a gay nightclub and then hang out with her husband the following week
(540): I ran 10 miles and then took a dump behind a rock. What the fuck have you done with a hangover that's comparable?
Really uncomfortable with the level of eskimo brotherhood at this family reunion
When he saw my tits he said "wow you should be proud.
I should have listened to my dad and mean girls... If you have sex you'll get pregnant and die.
Have 7 min to kill while I wait for liquor store to open. Feels really awkward.
I was basically just fingering myself and thinking about space.
I'm batshit crazy. I don't know how you guys keep forgetting that
I'm kinda glad you won't be in Vegas tomorrow because you'd make us go streaking or throw dead animals at them.
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