you kept running across the street. everytime you made it across successfully you took something off. can't believe there were no cops around...
oh thats it?
I am the master of subtle flirting. I seduced him by simulating a hand job with an epi-pen during training.
i wish it would rain vodka just once. i have not puked yet bring it on
I just invented spray cheese vodka. tastes real nasty but does the trick.
No one suspects that a sweet girl who is excited about her anniversary with her bf just blew her partner at work in a communal area a few hours ago, so its cool.
ummm im also counting the $14 dollars I gave the old guy to pay for the cab I called for him to take to the hospital last night as part of ur present.
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
Now I have to set an alarm for less than 6 hours from now to wake her up, get her showered and get her to her first day of tutoring a kid from her church. WTF is my life?
Why is there a cash register on top of my car?
My mom just told me not to dance on any tables on Halloween...I'm choosing to take that statement as a joke
Also day 6: dick is healed and ready to go back to work.
What has my life become? I'be officially recruited my fuck buddy for help getting my ex back.
Ooooh no. Jesus take the wheel, or Moses. SOMEBODY TAKE THE WHEEL
The guy at the liqiour store just said "Wow haven't seen you in awhile, is everything okay?"
It probably doesn't matter because I'm drunk...but I'm sorry for getting you drunk, having you almost lose your place to live, all your friends, permanently lose your liver functions, throwing up on my floor, losing virginity...etc...mostly I'm sorry for making you watch: cabin in the woods.
Randomize
