That's why girls suck all the time. Blah blah nag nag drama drama buy me things but I won't touch your penis
Hm. I declare blue a flavor.
He dated me before I started drinking. I feel like he deserves a consolation bj for all the effort he had to put in to get in my pants.
He passed out. Woke up long enough to declare himself "the sauce boss" and then bit me in the face.
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
If I don't have carpet burn in the morning you aren't trying hard enough.
It is becoming increasingly more likely that my entire halloween costume will be entirely composed of borrowed clothing from the two girls I'm hooking up
THANK YOU for not letting me make out with that girl omfg I was one step away from a foursome in the handicapped stall
I fell in the river last night. The allegheny to be exact. Omg getting drunk at work gatherings is dangerous
Before you jump in that vagina remember there's a reason we call her Infectonator.
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
please tell dad to clear the porn off his tablet before he lends it to anyone from now on
Hiking for a first date sounded like a good idea in theory because there was absolutely no possibility of me blacking out. In practice, I'd rather black out than go through what I just went through.
I've amended my previous statement: I'm not allowed to put in my two weeks till I ask out the waitress. Now I have motivation on two levels
Finally got with the virgin.
Yeah? Howd that go?
As soon as I got it all the way in, I looked deep into her eyes and said "your soul is mine" in the deepest voice I could make. She was not amused.
Randomize
