Cruel joke of nature. Hair on head runs from face, and hides on various parts of body. Aging sucks.
I told my boyfriend my favorite food was strawberry poptarts, now my email inbox is getting spammed with nude pics of him with his dick in a poptart box..
When they saw it was the 7th inning of the baseball game one took off running for the beer stand while his friend is yelling "BUY THE KEG"!
After we smoked, the cops questioned us but i just asked if he wanted to join our basketball team.
slow down on the beer.. we don't need another pentabong projectile hot dog incident
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
fat chick, vomit on the dog, and three unidentifiable pills in my ear. all in the same ear. what the hell happened after the guests showed up?
You peed up the stairs in front of everyone then blamed it on the dog
And then you asked me why my legs were so thick and started measuring them with a ruler
somehow this went from sexting to explaining my eating disorder.
You were mean to me and you broke my heart and hurt my feelings. You dont get to talk to me about Peter Dinklage
In bathroom. Hand in air with cell phone. Help.
He started to lick a stick of butter and was calling it Jennifer.
Hey! you should come over!
Who is this? The number is saved as "Sexy Awesome"
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
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