Every time there's an awkward silence a gay baby is born
If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
Let's just be mature adults about last night and never speak of it again.
I just saw a kid drop his lollipop on the floor of best buy, kick it because he was pissed off and then pick it up and eat it. I think I have a long lost son.
You kept telling that ginger girl, "it's not your fault, it's not your fault, it's not your fault."
I just had a flashback to last nights party, I'm pretty sure I told most of the people there that I post a masturbation schedule for an iCal download.
So I told her I dislocated my shoulder and she said "well okay. I can either be on top or blow you."
Decisions, decisions.
You told the waitress last night "What tip bracket do I have to be in to see your boobs"
No it's okay, we're just driving to random places with the portable stripper pole and causing a ruckus.
Oh that's normal
How would I get in touch with Carly Rae Jepsen if I wanted to thank her for the loss of my virginity?
They usually take it with their boobs. It's like a horizontal motorboat
I cunt my lip shaving. That's not a typo, it's a placement clue
You told the guy in Wawa you needed his hoagie for "a scavenger hunt" and then called him a "fuckstained Muggle" when he didn't give it to you. You are a delight.
I felt like I should've driven him home but I was holding in a fart and just needed him to leave
And Mike keeps telling Will that love at first sight is true and this is just a shit show. Help.
Randomize
