Sometimes I wonder if my friend studies mystic Christian theology because he's afraid to come out of the closet. Evidently, it's okay to talk about God coming inside you, but not to say the same about dudes.
I just spent the last hour reading customer reviews on amazon.com for the book "it hurts when I poop." Send help.
I'M GETTING MARRIED!
YOU'RE STILL MARRIED!
Even if he doesn't call, at least I can say i fucked a mascot.
I wasn't hungover this morning. My head just hurt because someone tried to suction cup a dildo to my forehead.
Just took an adderall with a shot of tequila while doing my makeup in the parking lot at work before I go in. I'm also late. They're so lucky to have me.
Before we rave about the healing powers of your penis, remember it nearly killed me as well.
The airport has the best people watching and munches... It should be a destination drinking location
Also... I'm unsure what to do with my face while someone is choking me during sex. Like I feel like its hard to look flattering.
Reminding you of hookups your brain is trying to suppress. That's what friends are fooooooooor...
I'm sorry for getting drunk and throwing a robo-bird at you.
Banging to Billy Joel pandora is like russian roulette. But I made him cum to Let It Be so I we both walked away victors
You know you've hit a new slutty low when you're simultaneously sexting and having a tea party with a 4 year old
I may have passed out and puked all over the host's favorite couch, but three hours and a rip later, I was eating tiramisu in the bathtub with the birthday boy and a hot Italian.
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
Randomize
