sometimes when you bring the thunder you get lost in the storm
We sold so many girl scout cookies when we were little. What went wrong?
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
I can't believe I had to convince you to not drink butter.
This is the first time I have ever hoped it's poison ivy on my cock
And the best part is I don't remember putting the condom in my pocket! Angels officially exist
I think we should get high on adderall and nair each other again for New years.
It's stupid hot. I just want to be laying in a bathtub full of margaritas
You made a glowstick headband with a helium balloon tied around it and climbed a tree in high heels. I was impressed.
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
I'm FaceTiming Pizza Hut.
You were great dude. You wanted to charge the guy with fedora $100 to get in.
I can tell right now that knowing you will either be really fun or ruin my life
See, this is why we give you shit. Ashley gets her car cleaned out, I get multiple enchiladas made, and you get cum in your eye.
My sex toys have been held in customs for almost a month now. They're British, what the hell?!?
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