chick flicks and taylor swift songs are like porn for desperate singles
I saved $70 from being to drunk to go out last night so I figured I could buy a new watch.
sticking your finger down your throat to make yourself throw up is bulimia, not morning sickness, so no, I don't think you're pregnant.
you decided to have a spaghetti fight but then you got greedy and decided to eat it all.
The crowning achievement of my weekend was hooking up with someone I'm at least facebook friends with.
I mean I woke up wearing my bathing suit which blows my mind
dunno man, last I saw him he bet me he could eat more ranch the me, then ran off
No fucking idea. Just paid for my chipotle in chocolate coins, though. Either there is a huge language barrier happening here, or my big boobs are finally paying off.
Had no idea what his name was when I woke up. Went through his desk, found his tax records. Ben. And loaded.
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
Ok get your liver ready for the weekend. Harry Potter Drinking Game Marathon is a go. BYO liquor of choice, rule cards at the door. I wanna see some Hagrid level drinking out of you, Muggle.
Today would have been my 8th wedding anniversary and I woke up with a hot European guy in my bed. Divorce has it's perks.
When you get this divorce finalized we're going to mid evil times AND pirate dining adventure. We're gonna find you a couple of real men and make them joust/swashbuckle for your affection. My treat.
Some guy at the bar last night bought us Arrowhead water and I was so drunk, it tasted good
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