I can no longer count the number of girls I've banged on my fingers and toes. It's like being born again.
Everyone needs a good pregnancy scare in their life.
we were pretty classy up until the second keg
woke up to an overdrawn credit card. did you order the dawsons creek boxset last night?
i hope so.
I got a bikini wax for the first time today and I think I now understand feminism.
Okay, thats embarrasing even by my standards and I've thrown up while wearing a viking hat. just a viking hat.
I asked you if you were ok and you said "dude I'm fine, I'm in the recovery position"
So squirting runs in the family.
Oh wait looks like my cousin is getting deported THERE'S HOPE FOR THIS CHRISTMAS YET
He was all like, "I've prayed every single day just for one more night with you."
Omg just give him a quick handy and walk out.
My goal for tonight is to swipe my debit card through those weird rolls on the back of a big bald guy's head.
I saw a kid peeing outback so I yelled "you have a small pecker, but its ok cuz when life gives you lemons..." and proceeded to throw lemons at him
I have a knack for carnage and poetic language.
I also fell asleep on the side of a tree so like I hit my lowest point there but it was a good time
Not as bad as when you were sitting in the pond getting fed water
My shower turned into a bath, turned into me lying on the shower floor with the water running over me... That hung over..
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