if i get an abortion, then will you go out with me?
Just finished texting the 27th male name in my phone that i don't recognize. none of them were the hott kid i made out with last night. the search continues.
You were making dinosaur noises while jerking me off..
I just realized I am holding a beer in 133 out of 134 photos of me on my facebook page.
Nobody is perfect
I'm at Waffle House wearing one of the paper hats in the other
Nicole, you can't keep coming over at 3am wanting to build igloos.
Are you responsible for the syringes and miniature cactus garden that has magically taken over my fridge?
Living room floor. I asked him to give me a back rub. He did. And smoothly transitioned that to foreplay, then basically threw me on the floor. My vagina hurts. He deserves another Christmas present.
You should never be more than a quarter of a mile from a working toilet
Preach!
Power lunch with dad, pain pills and tequila shots. Dad does Monday hard.
No biggie, just trying to keep my liver function in the green
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
If hypothetically I needed to puke on the bus... how would I go about doing this.
We're playing drunken roulette. We're taking exlax followed by shots. First person to shit themselves loses!
He’s perfect! He listens to Genesis during sex and has a VW bus!
You really are from the panhandle, aren’t you?
Randomize
