the power's out. i'm smoking weed by flashlight
i wish i was dedicated to anything like you are to weed
my mom just called and warned me someone is trying to serve me, i feel like i'm playing an extreme game of hide and go seek these next weeks
I'm also annoyed at my horoscope for not warning me of my perils
He looked at me and said "Last call" before putting his penis away into his boxers
Def regretting not writing "will blow for extra credit" on my last final
Its like the unofficial aniversary of the loss of her virginity. And I will be giving tours of the spot they did it in and showing how I'm serious when I say the grass doesn't grow there anymore.
He literally cocked blocked all the dudes that tried to talk to the girls he was with, and they all loved him.
Same guy who tossed the brunet over his shoulder as they left screaming "Bring me my lucky shovel!"
So to recap Superbowl Sunday - I won $100, bumped into the anti-christ and his cult, met a guy in a kilt and a wican, then got invited to a gayguy afterhours party.
Gonna be tough to beat that next year!
Let me begin to explain the rest of last night by beginning with saying that out if necessity I took a pair of your underwear
Apparently I really was petting a bunny named lazarus in Jimmy Johns last night.
She's got Mike in the bathroom. He's covered in meat.
I'm fucking sick of guys. I think I'm going to date myself. No drama. And I know I'll always put out.
You know it's bad when I'm eating a cold chicken breast alone in bed 😕
just found the "let's take a picture before we do these roommates" before picture
thank god there was never an after picture.
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
Randomize
