Wearing these hooker shoes was a mistake
When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
Two people in the coffee shop I'm at are on a date and talking about how acid has affected them and the girl just mentioned meth. Fuck studying, this just got interesting.
Lots of rum and cokes. Bartender wore my underwear on his head. Lost my keys. Accidentily started a fight. DC is going to kill me
please come home... she's showing me videos of spanish parrots and is telling me about her dead cousin...
Sarah likes to play this game where she leaves her thongs at every party. she hides them where hopefully gf's will find them. I caught her naked from the waste down in my freezer this morning
Too lazy to make dinner. Had chocolate and scotch instead. Check in with me in a half hour.
Can't a white girl just get drunk on a Sunday night and eat rice crispy treats. SHIT
Can you stop being a bitch and just take some Kaluha shots with me bro?!?
I'm over my straight phase. They all turned out to be idiots and none of them got me off. I'm going back to hot girls with strap ons.
She left you responsible for her guinea pig for what, 3 hours? And it somehow died under your care? I will no longer trust you with so much as a beer.
I thought I needed to get laid. Turns out I just needed pasta.
Still fucking the ballerina?
She can put her legs behind her head.
Enough said
I'm not sure of this happened or if it was just a dream... But I vividly remember you walking down the street naked?
No actually I had socks on...
are you inviting me to ice cream?
the subtext of everything i say to you is inviting you to ice cream
Randomize
