He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.
my fraternity brothers just had an intervention for me. i either have a problem or am just on some next-level shit, im gonna go with door number 2
Thursday nights need to stop happening to me.
not the best booty call
did she squirt?
only if tears count
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
I just did a Kegel and my back popped. My vagina is a gift to penises everywhere.
I broke out the Krispy Kreme, and am possibly having random internet sex in less than an hour. I think I got this breakup under control.
Officially conquered sex on my couch with my dad asleep in the next room
I like how you say "conquered" as if that was your sole mission in life
We were in his kitchen and she turned to me with a straight face and an avocado in her hand and said "Can we steal this?"
every time someone would wish me happy birthday I would be like "thanks happy birthday to you too"
To this day, I regret not having sex in the bathroom
I want falafel more than sex right now. That's really saying something for me...
We are making a pool on how long he stays sober this time you want in?
We were having margaritas and I was saying "back when I was drinking..." They looked all confused. Then I realized "holy shit they think THIS is drinking?"
He was singing on top of spaghetti, and then started crying. He said it was the saddest song ever, "so so sad".
Randomize
