I wish life was like the Sims. Right when you're pregnant the music would play and I would just know instead of agonizing for the next two weeks.
I just watered my plants with apple juice. Look what you made me do.
This Casey James character from American Idol is really gonna mess up my sex life.
Or maybe the fact that you know who Casey James is will be what messes up your sex life.
A man pulled out his penis last night and when I said I wouldn't touch it, he said, "that's fine it just needs to breathe".
Fuck I am starving. I don't think I've eaten in the past two days.
You didnt need to. Gin is like eggs, its a perfectly nutrionally balanced meal.
Doing Jager Bombs on a Sunday morning is justified...How else is my team going to win?
I don't want a mention or even a whisper of a Shakespeare Festival by that or any other name including, but not limited to, a fucking Renaissance Fair. Are we clear? It will be a DEALBREAKER .
Why are there jello shots in the kitchen drawer?
Hungover, threw up in a cosmetic case in my car this morning. This is real life.
Like Is it appropriate to tell your boss you banged a guy in the back of a truck at a wedding? Probably not.
Yes. Life would be much easier if we had penises & could do whatever the fuck we want.
You have got to be the only man who has passed out while getting a lap dance.
that awkward moment when you use blowjob jokes as a segue into coming out as bi
some kid just came up 2 me bleeding yelling "thats how u riot"
What better than a girl who loves jager, sexts like a champ and is down for t-bell at any hours of the night? oh wait, NOTHING.
Randomize
