i just walked outside for a cigarette and three men walked by in glitter heels and gold shiny thongs. god i love chicago
Well, I fucked her. But the sex wasn't all that great. Morning sex never is
I'm drinking while I write this paper. When I can't see the screen anymore I'm gonna come out
rethinking that breast reduction surgery... i'm tired of drunkenly explaining the scars to guys who don't really give a shit
Oh my fucking god I saw the pictures. What the mother fucking fuck. Destroy the pictures. Destroy the fucking pictures.
Please confirm the destruction of the pictures. NOW.
Have you seen Dave? He's not on top of the bar anymore but I found his shirt.
YOU COME FROM SAD WHALE FAMILY, DEEP IN OCEAN!
they need to invent a card that reads "thanks for all those boners you gave me that you did NOTHING about"
I was just laughing and almost crying after I orgasmed, and then almost crying because I was laughing so hard. That's new.
Does he think you're psycho?
Officially...... yes.
I woke up naked on my futon with a blanket half way covering my ass and 20 half eaten chicken wings on my chest... At 7 pm... That kind of day drinking
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
I can tell right now that knowing you will either be really fun or ruin my life
we need to find a way to be drinking champagne 24/7
How my distance relationship is going: he's trying to sext me & I'm stuffing pizza in my face.
You know you're high when you find yourself sitting on the floor with the refrigerator door open, talking to various foods. Hand gestures and all.
Randomize
